Andy Rooney, the Original Blogger

Did you ever notice how everyone these days is talking about blogs? Well, I looked up the word “blog” in Webster’s, and it turns out it’s not even in the dictionary. By the way, why do dictionaries even bother with the letter “X”? Once you get past xylophone and X-ray, what else is there?

If blogs aren’t in the dictionary, I don’t see how they can be very important. I know they have something to do with computers, which may explain why they aren’t in the dictionary. Probably some sort of computer glitch at the dictionary factory.

I got a computer for the first time a few weeks ago, and I have to say that it’s not much of an improvement over my old manual typewriter. First of all, the keyboard hardly makes any noise. I like a lot of noise when I’m typing – makes people think I’m really getting some work done. And there are so many keys on my computer keyboard that I don’t understand at all. Here’s one key down at the bottom that just has “alt” printed on it. Does that stand for “altitude”? Alternator? Altercation? Until I find out for sure, there’s no way I’m touching that key.

Here’s another key up near the top that’s marked “help.” If you ask me, all of the keys on a computer keyboard should be marked “help.” I touched this key once and the computer started asking me a lot of questions. That’s wasn’t very helpful.

Now, up here at the very top of the keyboard there’s a whole row of keys marked F1, F2, F3, all the way up to F16. Now, I know what an F16 is – it’s a jet fighter aircraft made by Lockheed Martin. It’s a real beauty. But all those other F-keys have me stumped.

Speaking of stumps, if one careless match can start a huge forest fire, why does it take me 100 matches to light my charcoal grill? Maybe we should douse all of our national forests with lighter fluid just to be on the safe side. And come to think of it, why does the word “flammable” mean the same thing as the word “inflammable”? Sounds to me like another computer glitch at the dictionary factory.

But this whole blog thing has me confused. If blogs are so important and they have something to do with computers, why isn’t there a “blog” key on my computer keyboard? I might be willing to sacrifice a few of my F-keys – if I knew what they did.

My boss at CBS tells me I’m blogging right now and don’t even know it. Somehow, you can just sit down at a computer and type whatever pops into your head and it gets turned into a blog. Doesn’t seem possible, but then again, I said the same thing about jumbo shrimp.

Which reminds me – if we can send a man to the moon, why can’t we make a bag of potato chips that doesn’t explode when you open it?

From: The Other End of the Telescope