Why Rednecks Aren't Paramedics

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions.

First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.

The guys voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

* * * * * * * *

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?"

* * * * * * * *

Redneck Medical Terms

Artery – The study of paintings

Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria

Barium – What doctors do when patients die

Benign – What you be after you be eight

Catscan – Searching for Kitty

Cauterize – Made eye contact with her

Cesarian Section – A neighborhood in Rome

Colic – A sheep dog

Coma – A punctuation mark

D&C – Where Washington is

Dilate – To live long

Enema – Not a friend

Fester – Quicker than someone else

Fibula – A small lie

Genital – Non-Jewish person

G I Series – World Series of military baseball

Hangnail – What you hang your coat on

Impotent – Distinguished, well-known

Labor pain – Getting hurt at work

Medical staff – A doctor’s cane

Morbid – A higher offer than I bid

Nitrates – Cheaper than day rates

Node – I knew it

Outpatient – A person who has fainted

Ovaries – You get to try again

Pap smear – A fatherhood test

Pelvis – Second cousin to Elvis

Post operative – A letter carrier

Recovery room – Place to do upholstery

Rectum – Pretty near killed him

Secretion – Hiding something

Seizure – Roman emperor

Tablet – A small table

Terminal illness – Getting sick at the airport

Tumor – More than one

Urine – Opposite of you’re out

Varicose – Near by/close by